I recently came to the disturbing conclusion that there is – for a limited time – such a thing as “Peeps Oreos.” Oreos, you may recall, are those cookies with a mediocre cream filling sandwiched between two godawful chocolate cookies, and Peeps are those flavorless marshmallow chicks you get around Easter as a gift from people who have heard of candy before, but have never actually tried it and aren’t sure what it’s for. Strictly speaking, there are also bunny-shaped Peeps, but calling those things “Peeps” is sort of like calling a taco with bread instead of a tortilla a “taco” – yes, there is a certain superficial resemablance, but you’re missing something fundamental to the nature of the thing. If they’re not shaped like baby chicks, you might as well just eat a discolored, stale marshmallow that’s sat on the street for a few weeks, because the flavor will be the same, and it’s quite a bit cheaper. Although perhaps advice like this is why my personal finance blog never really took off.
At any rate, as soon as I learned of the existence of these universally reviled, sugar-laden monstrosities, I knew that eventually I would wind up eating one, and so I might as well get it over with as soon as possible. It was the same feeling I had when I first saw the trailer for Sharknado.
Since my local grocery store had mysteriously opted not to stock this horrible, horrible snack food, I had to order it from Amazon, which proved to be a rather expensive decision. I’ve not generally found Amazon to be overpriced in the past, but since I am a deeply negligent person, it wasn’t until I received the package that I realized that I had paid $10 for what was clearly the smallest full-sized pack of Oreos I had ever seen in my life.
Upon opening the package, I realized three things:
- The “Oreos” were of the vanilla cookie variety, which, while clearly superior to the chocolate cookies, barely count as Oreos.
- The cookies weren’t even vaguely Peeps-shaped, meaning that this was wholly a cheap marketing gimmick, bearing even less resemblance to Peeps than those vile pretender-bunnies.
- Now that I had paid $10 for an entire package of terrible cookies, I would be morally obligated to eat more than one of them.
The latter conclusion was reached with a sinking feeling of dread.
However, something odd happened as I bit into my first shitty cookie: it wasn’t that bad. Which is not to say that it was good. It was, in fact, wholly unremarkable in every respect.
My wife, of course, being almost as stupid as myself, took me at my word and tried a cookie. This was initially fine, but shortly thereafter, she recoiled in disgust and declared that the aftertaste was dreadfully bitter. Unconvinced yet fascinated, I then finished off an entire row of these cookies trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about. I never detected a hint of bitterness, but I did determine that I’m the type of person who is willing to eat an entire row of mediocre cookies in the hopes that something awful will happen to him. Which is, I suppose, a sort of awful thing in and of itself.
As this journey reaches its conclusion, I like to think that I’ve taken something away from it all…maybe a lesson about marketing, or human nature, or maybe even something about myself…but I think mainly what I’ve gained from this is a half-eaten pack of Oreos that will sit untouched for the next year and a half.
So…does anyone want some free cookies?