For the entire month of December, my wife has left the Hallmark channel on in the background, playing a never-ending stream of movies with names like “A Prince for Christmas,” or “A Wedding for Christmas,” roughly half of which star a woman who finds love while simultaneously struggling to further her career and raise her set of one-or-more orphans or orphan-like children from an unpreventably absent sibling.
However, after watching these movies for weeks straight, I started noticing something odd: reruns. Clearly, the Hallmark channel is having difficulty filling the 600 hours of Christmas-themed programming that they are morally obligated to provide throughout December, so as a fantastically unsuccessful writer, I figured I was qualified to lend a hand. Twenty minutes later, the script was ready. And, in the meantime, I thought I’d post a broad outline here, to delight my adoring fan:
A Christmas Tree for Christmas
Open on our heroine, Blondie (so called because she is probably blonde for some reason, and you missed the first ten minutes so you’re not sure what her actual name is). Anyway, Blondie is at the food court, talking to her sensible brunette friend, Stacy. Blondie is lamenting that the bank is threatening to foreclose on her mall kiosk, where she sells Christmas trees, unless she can pay her balance in full by December 24th. And to make matters worse, she only has three days left until Christmas and she hasn’t had time to buy presents yet for her brother’s orphaned children, which she’s looking after while he’s out of town on a business trip.
At this point, it’s about time to introduce some sort of non-denominational supernatural entity, like a mall Santa who might be the real Santa, or some kindly old lady who might be an angel (the Christmas kind, not the smiting kind), but you’re not really sure because, again, you missed the first ten minutes, and they probably played coy about it anyway. We’ll go with a Christmas platypus, because seriously, those things are awesome. So after Blondie and Stacy finish their coffee, or sandwich, or whatever they’re pretending to eat for the camera, Blondie trips over this magical platypus and spills her coffee on this handsome guy who is talking on his cell phone. He’s a little startled at first because it’s hot coffee, but he’s really cool about it, and instead of swearing and suffering third degree burns and going to the hospital, he just kind of laughs it off, then stares at her in a way that’s romantic and not at all creepy, then makes a joke about how they should do coffee, but this time they’ll keep it inside the cups. Also, his name is Brad or something.
A few minutes later, Blondie is back to work at her kiosk, where there’s this old man looking at the Christmas trees, and Blondie asks if she can help. The old man declines, saying that he’s just browsing, because they remind him of childhood with his family, and in any event, he can’t afford a Christmas tree. Blondie is touched, and gives the old man a free tree, even though she can’t even pay rent, or her mortgage, or whatever it was she had to pay in order to save her kiosk. As it happens, Brad Or Something is passing by and overhears this interaction, then helps the old man carry the tree to his car. Meanwhile, Stacy stops by the kiosk, and they chat about Blondie’s upcoming date with Brad, and how she should cancel, since she should really focus on saving her kiosk. Stacy says something like “Don’t you dare,” and insists that she follow through with the date. They probably argue some more, but there’s a commercial break, so you go to use the restroom, and by the time you get back, Blondie is talking to that platypus for some reason.
Anyway, then Blondie and Brad O’Something have their coffee date, where she talks about how her kiosk is going out of business because she sells Christmas trees, which no one buys eleven months out of the year. Then he suggests that maybe he could give her some business advice, since he’s a successful C.E.O. at some sort of social media company, but that sets her off, and she says that she’ll run The Christmas Tree Kiosk the same way her father ran it when he was in charge. She then breaks things off with Brad, saying that they’re too different, and besides, she just doesn’t get along with his mother, the queen of England. At this point you start to wonder how much you missed while you were in the restroom, and whether you should start eating more bran.
Blondie runs out of the coffee shop, and then the camera pans over to see the platypus watching her go, and his eyes sparkle as some mischievous Christmas bells jingle in the background. The screen fades to black, about thirty minutes of commercials play, and then we find Blondie moping at the house with her orphan(s), who sympathize with her plight, and, in an adorable lisp, they express that she doesn’t have to worry about buying them gifts, since she’s having financial trouble. Blondie tells them that’s sweet, but they don’t have to worry about her finances.
The next day, Blondie opens the door to her kiosk (which has a door in a way that totally makes sense), and sees that people are lined up all throughout the mall, waiting for the kiosk to open. The crowd cheers when they see her, and while her employees sell Christmas trees like mad, Stacy calls and asks if Blondie has seen “it,” then explains that her kiosk is all over the social media - coincidentally, the same social network that Brad happens to own. Next, the old man from earlier comes up to her and says that in order to thank her for her generosity, he’s gotten her a thank you gift - a pair of toy platypuses that will be perfect for her orphan children. After some profuse thanks, the man leaves. After that, some grouchy bald man from the bank stops by to repossess the kiosk, but Blondie has sold so many trees that she writes him a check right then and there. The bald man is baffled, and while he’s gaping at the check, one of the customers accidentally hits him in the face with a Christmas tree branch.
Finally, Brad shows up to apologize for trying to tell her how to run her business (neither of them noticing that he had just single-handedly saved her business by doing things his way), and that his mother (the queen) had changed her ways, and wouldn’t try to sabotage their relationship anymore. They kiss as some Christmas music plays in the background, and as the camera pans up, the focus lands on the mall Christmas tree, but instead of having a star or an angel, the tree topper is a platypus.
And there you have it: definitive proof that no matter what I write, it’ll probably be kind of weird.