I write books. Sometimes.

Recent Posts

  • Coming Home

    Fri, Sep 22, 2017
    Read time: 4 min.
    Recently, our apartment complex was acquired by another company, and in celebration, they decided to renovate everything. Oddly, this even included apartments that were still occupied, as opposed to the usual strategy of landlords everywhere, which is to wait until you move out, and then make the ap...
  • The Supermarket of the Damned

    Sat, Jul 29, 2017
    Read time: 1 min.
    For those who don’t live in the Indiana area, up until recently there was a chain of grocery stores called Marsh. I say recently because as of this month, Marsh is now a chain of empty buildings. This is either a surprising new business strategy, or the result of their descent into bankruptcy; eithe...
  • The Peeps Show

    Sun, Mar 19, 2017
    Read time: 3 min.
    I recently came to the disturbing conclusion that there is – for a limited time – such a thing as “Peeps Oreos.” Oreos, you may recall, are those cookies with a mediocre cream filling sandwiched between two godawful chocolate cookies, and Peeps are those flavorless marshmallow chicks you get around ...
  • The Chronicles of Oreo and Jake

    Sun, Feb 05, 2017
    Read time: 7 min.
    OREO… Oreo found her way to my wife while she was still in college, after bouncing around between homes that had cast her out because she wasn’t litterbox-trained. The truth, as it turned out, was that she was perfectly litterbox-trained, it was just sometimes hard to tell, owing to her chronic, ...
  • My Pet Baby

    Sun, Jan 29, 2017
    Read time: 4 min.
    So my son has recently turned three months old (and, coincidentally, this is my third post about parenthood, which I think officially makes this a mommy blog). At the moment, we’re still in the middle of what I refer to as the “My Pet Baby” phase.
  • Fa. La. La.

    Fri, Dec 16, 2016
    Read time: 3 min.
    In order to help you get into the holiday spirit, I thought I’d ruin all your favorite holiday songs by telling you what they’re about. And, of course, by “favorite holiday songs,” I mean the songs that are forcibly thrust upon you as part of the media’s bizarre Solstice ritual of replaying decades-...
  • Postpartum is Such Sweet Sorrow

    Tue, Oct 25, 2016
    Read time: 3 min.
    My wife recently decided she was tired of being pregnant, and subsequently insisted upon giving birth. Unfortunately, as our son’s supposed “due date” came and went, she became increasingly eager to get the child out of her. She tried all of the standard tricks: getting trapped in an elevator, havi...
  • The Dark Side of the Womb

    Thu, Sep 29, 2016
    Read time: 4 min.
    It has recently come to my attention that my wife is eight months pregnant. The astute reader will no doubt discern that, yes, this means that my wife and I used to have sex. At any rate, I have decided that our current circumstances present the perfect opportunity to do what any responsible adult a...
  • On Dinosaurs, Carnivorous Plants, and Fighting Nerds

    Thu, Sep 22, 2016
    Read time: 8 min.
    I was recently invited to attend the Celebrate the Life Ahead gala, a fundraiser for refugee resettlement that included a silent auction component. Naturally, I opted to participate in the same manner that I do all of my socialization: at home, from behind my computer.
  • Win a Signed Copy of The Taste of Cashews

    Mon, Dec 28, 2015
    Read time: 1 min.
    For a limited time only, you can enter to win a signed copy of the Taste of Cashews, by Will Hartzell-Baird! …just to clarify, I’m Will Hartzell-Baird. You can enter to win a copy of the book, signed by me.