I write books. Sometimes.

Recent Posts

  • The Chronicles of Oreo and Jake

    Sun, Feb 05, 2017
    Read time: 7 min.
    OREO… I keep my ass where you keep your face. Remember that. [images/oreo_pillow.jpg] Oreo found her way to my wife while she was still in college, after bouncing around between homes that had cast her out because she wasn’t litterbox-trained. The truth, as it turned out, was that she was perfectl...
  • My Pet Baby

    Sun, Jan 29, 2017
    Read time: 4 min.
    So my son has recently turned three months old (and, coincidentally, this is my third post about parenthood, which I think officially makes this a mommy blog). At the moment, we’re still in the middle of what I refer to as the “My Pet Baby” phase.
  • Fa. La. La.

    Fri, Dec 16, 2016
    Read time: 3 min.
    In order to help you get into the holiday spirit, I thought I’d ruin all your favorite holiday songs by telling you what they’re about. And, of course, by “favorite holiday songs,” I mean the songs that are forcibly thrust upon you as part of the media’s bizarre Solstice ritual of replaying decades-...
  • Postpartum is Such Sweet Sorrow

    Tue, Oct 25, 2016
    Read time: 3 min.
    My wife recently decided she was tired of being pregnant, and subsequently insisted upon giving birth. Unfortunately, as our son’s supposed “due date” came and went, she became increasingly eager to get the child out of her. She tried all of the standard tricks: getting trapped in an elevator, havi...
  • The Dark Side of the Womb

    Thu, Sep 29, 2016
    Read time: 4 min.
    It has recently come to my attention that my wife is eight months pregnant.  The astute reader will no doubt discern that, yes, this means that my wife and I used to have sex.  At any rate, I have decided that our current circumstances present the perfect opportunity to do what any responsible adult...
  • On Dinosaurs, Carnivorous Plants, and Fighting Nerds

    Thu, Sep 22, 2016
    Read time: 8 min.
    I was recently invited to attend the Celebrate the Life Ahead gala, a fundraiser for refugee resettlement that included a silent auction component. Naturally, I opted to participate in the same manner that I do all of my socialization: at home, from behind my computer.
  • Win a Signed Copy of The Taste of Cashews

    Mon, Dec 28, 2015
    Read time: 1 min.
    For a limited time only, you can enter to win a signed copy of the Taste of Cashews, by Will Hartzell-Baird! …just to clarify, I’m Will Hartzell-Baird. You can enter to win a copy of the book, signed by me.
  • A Christmas Tree for Christmas

    Thu, Dec 24, 2015
    Read time: 6 min.
    For the entire month of December, my wife has left the Hallmark channel on in the background, playing a never-ending stream of movies with names like “A Prince for Christmas,” or “A Wedding for Christmas,” roughly half of which star a woman who finds love while simultaneously struggling to further h...
  • YNG1TAS17L Update

    Thu, Nov 19, 2015
    Read time: 3 min.
    One of the interesting things about the OnePlus One is that it’s the first smart phone to come loaded with CyanogenMod. I’ve only had mine for a short time, and have recently had the pleasure of updating it to CM12S YNG1TAS17L, so I thought I’d offer a little guide for anyone in the same boat.
  • Never Back Down

    Mon, Oct 12, 2015
    Read time: 1 min.
    I turned thirty this year. I didn’t mention this at the time, because there was really no departure from my usual tradition: confuse the Dairy Queen folks by requesting a specially made ice cream cake without any ice cream, listen to my family complain about how I’m hard to shop for, and then stare ...