I write books. Sometimes.

Recent Posts

  • Up All Night

    Thu, Apr 28, 2022
    Read time: 7 min.
    Gilbert Gottfried died this month. I’ve never been the type of person to dwell on celebrity deaths–sure, it’s sad, but it’s still the death of someone I don’t know, and people I don’t know die every day.
  • Tech for Ukraine

    Mon, Mar 21, 2022
    Read time: 2 min.
    A few weeks ago now–February 24th, to be specific–Russia invaded Ukraine. Naturally, if you have a television or a computer–and under the circumstances, I suspect you have at least one of those–you’ve probably figured that out at this point, but if not (or if you just want a bit more context), this...
  • Presidents' Day

    Mon, Feb 21, 2022
    Read time: 5 min.
    Happy Presidents’ Day! Let’s do that same thing I did last time again! WHAT IS THIS HOLIDAY? Every year, on the third Monday in February, the President will emerge from his burrow and, if he sees his shadow or also if he does not see his shadow, there’ll be six more years of political gridlock. ...
  • Groundhog Day

    Wed, Feb 02, 2022
    Read time: 10 min.
    Happy Groundhog Day! And since we’re all here anyway, why don’t we take a minute to discuss the question on all of our minds about Groundhog Day: “Seriously, wtf?” Admit it, you’ve wondered from time to time why there’s a holiday named after a giant squirrel, and what they have to do with weather.
  • PieCaken

    Sat, Nov 27, 2021
    Read time: 6 min.
    I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but the pandemic has been hard on some people. So it was that last year, my wife and I decided to do something special for Thanksgiving. The difficulty, however, lay in the fact that the reason it was hard on us in particular is that we couldn’t safely go anywh...
  • Shark Attacks

    Sun, Oct 24, 2021
    Read time: 9 min.
    You know what’s a terrible place to go during a global pandemic? Florida. On an unrelated note, I was recently having a conversation with a Floridian–we’ll call her Flo, to protect her privacy–and the subject of sharks came up. I can’t remember exactly how the conversation went, since–for reaso...
  • Feeling Insecure

    Sun, Aug 29, 2021
    Read time: 8 min.
    Security questions are terrible. I mean, we can start with the obvious–you’re in the middle of signing up for some service that you were probably hoping to use now, when suddenly you’re prompted to fill out a pop quiz about yourself, and the “right” answer isn’t necessarily the one that’s accurate–...
  • Okay, So He's Not a Blobfish

    Tue, Jul 27, 2021
    Read time: 5 min.
    Regrettably, I need to backpedal from my last post: Ted Cruz does not, in fact, resemble the mangled corpse of a deep-sea fish. Physically, I mean. Obviously if we’re talking personality-wise, they’re virtually identical. Please, be honest with yourself.
  • A Brief Discussion of the Blobfish

    Tue, Jun 15, 2021
    Read time: 1 min.
    I would like to take a moment to discuss the blobfish, or the Psychrolutes marcidus. The most famous photo of Mr. Blobby dates back to 2003, and has been meme-ified ever since thanks to the unique aesthetic that won it “World’s Ugliest Animal” in 2013, and occasionally due to a supposed passing r...
  • Microchips for Everyone!

    Sun, May 23, 2021
    Read time: 13 min.
    I know that ever since my most recent post, you’ve all been on the edge of your seats, so I’ll ease your concerns now: I’ve gotten my second dose. There’s been a lot of talk about how awful the side effects are for the second shot, so when I went in this past Monday, I was ready to get laid out for ...