In order to help you get into the holiday spirit, I thought I’d ruin all your favorite holiday songs by telling you what they’re about. And, of course, by “favorite holiday songs,” I mean the songs that are forcibly thrust upon you as part of the media’s bizarre Solstice ritual of replaying decades-old music ad nauseam.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - The story of a mutant who was ridiculed by his peers, despite living with a supposedly all-seeing, benevolent being tasked with enforcing a sense of morality in children throughout the world. Then one day, the benevolent being decides that this mutant might be useful to him, and he makes Rudolph work all through the night during inclement weather, presumably without pay, thereby earning Rudolph the right not to be treated like the glowing, talking abomination that he is. The moral of the story: if you work really hard, or at least patiently suffer through ostracism for your entire life, people may one day forget that you were created as a cynical, cost-cutting marketing ploy by a now-defunct department store chain.
Frosty the Snowman - After an unknown number of children inadvertently perform a magic ritual, they create some kind of clumsy snow golem that, keenly aware of its own impending death as winter gave way to spring, decided to have one last hurrah and induct the children into a life of crime by ignoring the police shouting at them. Note that this interpretation is probably preferable to the potentially darker implications of the fact that the song ends with Frosty running around with children, ignoring a traffic cop, and then running off alone while something went “thumpety thump thump,” which we can only hope was intended to be some merry Christmas nonsense from a lazy songwriter.
Baby It’s Cold Outside - Surprisingly, not sexual assault. Mind you, since the song was written in the 1940’s, that still means that listening to this song is basically the equivalent of overhearing your grandparents debating the wisdom of taking a trip to Pound Town.
The Twelve Days of Christmas - A hoarder attempts to woo his true love with gifts, primarily in the form of birds and human trafficking. Failing that, he clearly intends to bore her into submission, since that is the only reason I can think of that anyone would opt to perform a cumulative song.
White Christmas - Loneliness and longing.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Infidelity, as seen through the eyes of a child who will one day grow up and question the old cover story that “Santa” had simply been his father in costume when he realizes that his parents hadn’t known he was there, and therefore would have no reason to rent a Santa costume. Alternatively, this was the child’s first introduction to the world of cosplay and daddy issues.
Jingle Bells - I don’t know, probably drugs or something. Who cares? I’m going to go write about zombies now. Maybe.