With notable effort, Xbarg stretched one tentacle, hoping to reach the transverse wave telecommunication button on the control panel console. He felt the hard round surface of the button, and the sound of the connectivity tone filled the ship’s chamber. He strained forward, attempting to select the correct numbers. After a brief struggle, he could hear the familiar static as the transverse wave telecommunication device connected. A voice filled the chamber.
“Insulation Installation Customer Service Line. This is Sherry speaking. How can I help you?”
“Hello. This is Xbarg from Planet Megatarius,” Xbarg said. “I’d like to report a problem with a product I recently ordered from your thermal anti-conductive line.” Xbarg shifted, trying to alleviate some of the pressure on his lower tricep pods resulting from being pinned between the insulation and the wall.
“Just a moment, Sir, let me pull your name up in our database.”
Xbarg heard the woman typing furiously. She couldn’t possibly be typing just his name this whole time. She was probably catching up on the latest gossip on Galactic Planet Interface while he waited, trapped both mentally and physically.
“I’m sorry, Sir, I’m having some trouble locating your record. Can you spell your name for me please?”
“X-b-a-r-g.”
More typing.
“I’m still not finding you in our database. Let me repeat that back to you. X, as in’X. B, as in boring. A, as in Alien. R, as in rotten. G, as in glutton.”
“Yes,” Xbarg responded, curving his shoulders to avoid the hydroscope poking into his radial shoulder cuff.
“You’re not in our database. Could it possibly be under a different name?”
“No, it’s not possible that it’s under a different name. I ordered it.”
Xbarg thought that he heard the woman sigh.
“Perhaps you misspelled it.”
“I didn’t misspell my name,” he snarled.
“Please don’t raise your voice at me, Sir, or I’ll be forced to terminate this communication.”
“Your company sent me a defective product,” Xbarg said, trying to keep his voice lower. “Now I’m trapped in my ship, between the wall modulator and your out-of-control insulation. I need you to remedy this situation.”
“Well, I can’t do anything to assist you until we find your record. Maybe I can pull up your information using the invoice number. What’s your invoice number, Sir?”
“I don’t know my invoice number.” He wriggled his suction grippers outward, attempting to stave off the encroaching swell of insulation.
“It should be on your packing slip, in the upper right-hand corner, in the box labeled ‘invoice number.’”
“I don’t have my packing slip. I’m pinned to the wall of my ship. I can’t even move.”
“It’s also on the e-mail confirmation that you received shortly after you placed the order. Do you still have the e-mail?”
“I can’t access my e-mail right now. I just told you, I’m pinned to the wall. You think that I can access my e-mail while I’m pinned to the wall?”
He heard another loud sigh.
“Without a name or an invoice number, I can’t help you,” Sherry said curtly.
“Can’t you just check orders that were recently shipped to Planet Megatarius?” Xbarg felt the heat of the insulation wrapped around his tentacles and torso. A film of perspiration coated his head shell.
“We receive a very high volume of orders this time of year, Sir. There’s no way to manually check. I’ve got to have either the name or the invoice number.”
“I gave you the name. Xbarg. X - as in Xylophone. B - as in balloon. A - as in aardvark. R - as in Rock. G - as in Grape.” Xbarg heard her typing again. He hoped that she was searching for his records, instead of searching for the results of last night’s instant mega-photoelectronic tournament.
“There you are,” she said flatly. “It was under ‘Barg, X.’ It looks like you ordered the Deluxe Enveloping Model Thermal Insulation.”
“Yes, that’s what I ordered.”
“And what’s your problem, Sir?”
“When I took it out of the box, it started expanding.”
“And?”
“I’ve told you already, it’s filled my entire ship.”
“That’s what it’s supposed to do. You ordered the Enveloping Insulation. That’s an auto-expansion variety.”
“This can’t possibly be its intended result.”
"Oh yes. It’s designed to fill any space. That’s why that model is so popular. It’s our fourth-best seller. "
“This is a disaster. It’s everywhere. It’s overtaken everything. It’s still growing.”
“It should still be growing. Did you unpack the insulation in the area where you wanted the insulation to be contained?”
“What do you mean? No, of course not. I wanted it in the walls. I opened it in the center of the main passenger compartment.”
“Well that’s your problem then. You’re supposed to open it in the area where you want it to be contained,” Sherry answered impatiently.
“I wanted it to be inside the wall. How could I open it inside the wall? How would I have even known that I needed to open it inside the wall?”
“There were warnings printed on the outside of the box. They were very clearly indicated in six different languages, as well as a picture version. On each side of the box, you were directed to turn to the central side, so that you could view the warnings.”
“Well I didn’t see any warnings. All I saw was some man whose face was bashed in.”
“His hand should have been pointed to the central side. Did you see his hand?”
“I wasn’t looking for his hand. I bought insulation. You don’t need instructions to open insulation. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I want my money back,” Xbarg huffed.
“I’m sorry, Sir, but all of our auto-expanding insulations are non-returnable once they’ve been removed from the original packaging.”
“But this isn’t what I wanted. I can’t use this stuff!”
“Sir, you ARE using the insulation. Doesn’t your ship feel warm now?”