FAQ |
Reader Questions for the Author of
"A Book That Lives Up To Its Title"
Question:
What’s your name again?Answer:
Suzanna Hartzell-BairdQuestion:
How old are you?Answer:
26, but people say I have the maturity of a 27 year old.Question:
Do you have any siblings? Answer:
One insignificant younger brother and one cat that my mother adopted on January 1, 2006.Question:
Are you married?Answer:
Don't let the hyphenated name fool you--I’m not married. Question:
What color is your hair?Answer:
Blonde, but not like a bleach blonde. It's more golden than the stereotypical honey blonde, and almost entirely unlike a sandy blonde. A dishwater blonde is too dark and, quite frankly, the description "dishwater blonde" sounds somewhat unflattering. Really, the best descriptor is to compare it to the shade of gold of the Tiffany & Co. 28 karat Paloma Piccasso 3.5 millimeter golden ray omega with diamond accents which retails for $27,525.Question:
What’s the strangest thing that’s ever happened to you? Answer:
This one time when I was in training to become a jedi knight acting as an apprentice to this little elf dude, we came across this creepy guy wearing all black and panting. I thought that he was some weird pervert or something.....but as it turned out, he was my father. Question:
What is your occupation?Answer:
Think Law & Order without the Order. Question:
Would you quit your current career if/when your writing career takes off?Answer:
Define "takes off."Alternative Answer #1:
No. I’m afraid that I love my current profession as a runway model a bit too much.
Alternative Answer #2:
I’ve already contemplated going to medical school so that I can be more like Dr. House.
Question:
What are your hobbies? Answer:
Community theater, practicing law, existentialism, and conducting terrestrial autopsies.Question:
Do you have any collections?Answer:
I have an extensive judicial photograph collection. I’m proud to say that I can name all nine justices on the United States Supreme Court. Question:
What’s your favorite movie?Answer:
"A Book That Lives Up To Its Title, The Movie." While production is not yet planned for this film, I anticipate liking it very much.Question:
What was your least successful academic endeavor?Answer:
My science fair project in which I tried to train worms to crawl through a maze. In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have purchased the worms from the bait and tackle shop. You know that your project is going to turn out less than ideal when you have to keep your specimens in the refrigerator to prolong their lifespans.Question:
What’s your most traumatic family memory?Answer:
When I lost the school spelling bee by misspelling the word "disappointment." The rest of the evening, my family delighted in saying, "You must be so disappointed." To make matters worse, my brother won the spelling bee the following year.Question:
Who’s your hero?Answer:
Alan Greenspan.Question:
What’s your approach to writing comedy?Answer:
I personally subscribe to the "mad lib" approach. I create a series of underlines and ask people to randomly provide words. Question:
What’s your greatest inspiration in writing comedy?Answer:
My friends and family. While no one I know is particularly funny, I do spend a great deal of time laughing at them.Question:
There’s information on this website about another author, Will Hartzell-Baird. Do you know anything about him?Answer:
I’m not overly familiar with him, but I hear that his sister is an incredibly funny and attractive blonde attorney who has recently published a futuristic science fiction comedy.Question:
I see that your book was printed by CreateSpace. How did you find out about Createspace?Answer Choice A:
Well it’s a funny story. One afternoon in Wal-Mart, I was waiting in line behind a pregnant woman wearing a halter top. When she turned around, I saw that she had a Createspace tattoo across her belly. Really a very bold marketing move on Createspace’s part. By the way, it was a girl.Answer Choice B:
While attempting to Google groundhogs, I accidentally clicked the "I’m Feeling Lucky Button." Answer Choice C:
All of the above.Question:
What’s your favorite horror movie? Answer:
My favorite recent horror movie is "The Descent," because it contains both a literal descent into a cave and the descent of humanity. I’m a sucker for stories about the degradation of society. My favorite classic horror movie is "Poltergeist." I liked that movie as a kid because I thought I looked like the little blonde girl starring in it. And she lived.Question:
What’s your favorite horror movie monster? Answer:
When I was younger, I was always scared of the gremlins. I wouldn't go next to the Christmas tree for years because of the scene where the gremlins jumped out of the tree and grabbed the mom. Then, one time I met the lead actor who starred in the movie, and I told him this story thinking that he’d get a kick out of it. His response was that everyone tells him that. I’m currently seeking a replacement favorite monster. Question:
What author do you admire most? Answer:
Myself.Question:
What was your most embarrassing moment?Answer:
When I opened my speech at my niece’s first communion ceremony with the limerick: "There once was a man from Nantucket…."Question:
What was your second most embarrassing moment?Answer:
When I opened my speech at my nephew’s first communion ceremony with the limerick: "There once was a man from Nantucket…."Question:
I’ve heard that in addition to being an author, you are also an actress. What was your first acting job?Answer:
Aside from the starring role I played annually in my family’s Christmas documentary and the 10 minute murder mystery film I wrote, directed, filmed, and starred in when I was 8 (spoiler alert: my little brother was the murderer), my first acting job was at age 12. I was cast in a community theater show in which I was this little forest creature lusting after gold—much like a true celebrity. Question:
What was your most memorable acting project?Answer:
I was in a musical with my mother once. Her acting wasn’t actually all that memorable, but I’ll never forget her. Question:
What are some of the roles that you have played in film and theater?Answer:
I suppose my most notable role was that of Neo in The Matrix. Other than that, I have played a nun, cruise ship passenger, waiter, realtor, mother of a 16 year old (kind of discouraging when you’re in your early 20’s), a jilted fiancé, a Shakespearian character, a murder victim, a zombie, toy soldier, Buddha (no comments about my figure please), cowgirl, groupie, wife in a polygamist marriage, and an Ozian in the Land of Oz, among many others.Bonus Answer:
I was Wilson on Home Improvement.Question:
What was your first audition for an independent horror film like?Answer:
It Could Have Happened: Like any ingénue of the reality TV generation, I came prepared to appear in a horror movie, complete with a car with faulty starter, flashlights with batteries that die at random intervals, and a propensity for investigating strange noises in darkened rooms without telling anyone where I’m going. Also, a pair of high heels to facilitate running from monsters. They were so impressed that I very nearly got the part without even auditioning.Or Maybe:
I practiced my monologue for months prior to the audition, but then when I got in front of the camera, the only word from it that I could remember was "mongoose." Fortunately, I was the only person who auditioned, so I got the role.But How About This:
I walked into the audition 40 minutes late holding my cell phone in one hand and a bag of McDonald’s hamburgers in the other. They were so infuriated that they told me to leave immediately. Needless to say, I didn’t get the part.Question:
What kind of transitions did you have to make from working in theater to film?Answer #1:
Theater and film are tremendously different. In theater, the goal is to ensure that the people in the back row can hear all of your lines. In film, if you use your "theater voice," you sound like a stroke victim. Answer #2:
In theater, you can sign autographs directly after the performance. In film, I have to wait all the way until the film’s release. In the meantime, I have been practicing dotting my "I’s" with hearts.Question:
If you could meet any one person, living or dead, who would it be and why? Answer:
The one person, living or dead, who I would most like to meet is the founding member of the "I Heart Suzanna Hartzell-Baird" fan club. Since this club has yet to be founded, YOU could be that one person, living or dead, who I would most like to meet.![[Image]](/sidebanners/squirrel2sb.jpg)